...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

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    Yoyo
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    ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Yoyo on Thu Dec 06 2007, 17:35

    Okay, so Yurii's awesome and wrote a story about ninjas. What else, hm? Feel free to point out the parts that stink!!

    Prolouge

    Peace reigned over the land. At least, it was as peaceful as could be expected among the five lands. National pride had a tendency to flare up everywhere shinobi of different villages met. Hikage Hyouden of the Glacier Village was visiting Kurokage Ankoku in the Village Hidden in the Shadows. She had run into her friend Shiin and another Shadow ninja named Yukio. Neither Shiin nor the Hikage got along with Yukio very well, in fact very few kunoichis seemed to, and were having at it. Other fights broke out in other villages when someone was visiting. Often there were brawls in the taverns concerning national pride. Everything was just as it should be. Each village was helping the other villages, yet still concerned primarily with their own shinobi.
    The chuunin exams were coming up quickly. There were quite a few genin from each nation who were making their final preprations for the exams. Their teachers were doing last minute missions for their students. The leaders of the nations were working hard on smoothing out wrinkles in the exams. Everything was going fine.

    Chapter One
    Kazekage Uindo sat in his office staring out the window early Tuesday morning. His golden hair blowing across his forehead in time with the fan on his desk. He watched as some of the academy students pretended to be jounin fighting some pretend bad guys. He smiled, it had been quite a while since he had played games like that. The sun was shining brightly on the young students, illuminating their play with glorious light.
    Uindo turned back to his desk and sighed. So much work to do, as leader of the Village Hidden in the Sand. He never really liked to do paperwork, very few people ever do, but being leader of so many ninja required more work than the normal office job. There were stacks of papers with new missions for the Sand nin, more stacks with requests to build things, tear things down, and blow things up, and, of course, there were the profiles of all the Sand shinobi who were going to be taking the upcoming chuunin exams. He had a lot of work to do.
    He had just picked up his pen to attack the monstrous pile with, when a knock came at the door. "What is it?" he demanded, secretly pleased for the delay.
    Drenen slipped in and closed the door behind him. He bowed his head slightly and dove into his explination for why he was there. "Uindo-sama, as you know the chuunin teachers have been preparing their genin for the exams this weekend." Uindo nodded and Drenen continued. "Hizoku-chan is with her genin, Maren, Taro, and Yasuo, in the city park practicing their chakara control. Yosai-chan is in the ramen shop with Tani, Koukon, and Ikasu after working in the training grounds for the past three hours. Hiroshi, Kimi, and Kaje have been with me by the river, also practicing chakara control." Drenen paused.
    "Yes, I know where all the teams are, Drenen," Uindo said, leaning back in his chair irritably. Drenen had a tendency to over-explain things. "What's your point?"
    "Well," he said slowly. "Shiyuu-chan was with most of her team, Kanojo, Haipa, and Sachi, outside the city walls."
    "Most?" Uindo interrupted. "Kohona is sick again, right?"
    Drenen nodded and continued. "They were scheduled to to return last night, but they never returned. It's been three days since anyone has heard from them."
    "Hm, that's odd," Uindo said, leaning forward. Shiyuu was one of the most methodical of the Sand chuunin, always updating her team's status. For her to be late for her scheduled return meant bad news. "Shiyuu is pretty good about reporting in regularly. Are there any possible reasons for her to not report in?"
    Drenen nodded and said, "Acutually, she has been heard from. She just told me that it is of the utmost importance that she speak with you right now."
    Uindo sighed. Another needless alarm to waste his time. "Fine, let her in here. She doesn't need to ask to come in, you know."
    Drenen blushed slightly. "Sir, she radioed us from outside the walls. She's not going to be here for a little while yet."
    Uindo stood up and looked out his window again. The sun shone brightly on the houses below. Looking for any sign of movement on them, he was startled to hear Drenen exclaim in shock. Spinning around, he was met with a suprising sight. Shiyuu was in the office, out of breath and nearly out of blood. She was covered from head to foot in dried blood and bruises. She wavered on her feet as she stood before her leader, her eyes were wild with fear.
    "Shiyuu-chan, what happened?" Drenen exclaimed, pulling a chair over for her to sit in.
    Shiyuu sat down gratefully and tried to catch her breath. She took a breath to speak but only succeded in making herself sick. Drenen ran out to find a medic nin while Shiyuu hunched over in her chair. A moment later Drenen came back with a medic nin who healed most of Shiyuu's wounds. Finally able to breathe, she told Uindo and Drenen what had happened.
    "I was training my genin in the area outside the village. We were doing fine, not causing much noise, except when Haipa-chan would get excited. We didn't know what hit us," she said, her head resting miserably in her hands. "Nine jounin ranked shinobi attacked us."
    Gasping, Uindo and Drenen looked at each other in alarm. Haipa, Kanojo, and Sachi were good, but no match for that many jounin, even with a chuunin's help. They knew by Shiyuu's voice and appearance that the fight had not gone well.
    "They girls fought well, taking out at least one each before succumbing to those ninjas' strength. Sachi defeated one jounin before getting hit with some sort of genjutsu. She fell quickly. Haipa and Kanojo tried to protect her, but only suceded in taking down a total of three together. I couldn't do anything because they had four were fighting with me at once. The last took the three girls and disappeared. I barely made it back here alive. I couldn't go after them." Shiyuu broke down sobbing. Patting her back, Drenen looked at Uindo.
    Uindo had his back to the two chuunin, looking out the window. Drenen was about to speak when Uindo said, "Shiyuu, why don't you head home and rest up. You're still wounded and we can't have someone in your condition help us get those girls back."
    Shiyuu gaped at Uindo. He was going to wait until she was better before they tried to find her team! Standing up quickly, Shiyuu was about to protest. However, her sudden movement made her light-headed, and she dropped back into her seat to keep from falling down. "Yes, Uindo-sama," she said quietly. Slowly rising, Shiyuu turned and left the room.
    Drenen, looked at Uindo in confusion. Usually he would send them home for rest and send others out to find the missing ninja. "Why are you going to wait?" he asked after several minutes of silence.
    Sighing, Uindo turned to face Drenen. "I don't like this. Jounin from any nation would never kidnap genin. Especially when they are under the watch of a chuunin. I don't think these ninja were sent by any of the other nations. They may not like us, but they wouldn't abduct any of our genin this close to the Exams. If they were to get caught, it's possible they would ruin their village's chance of promoting any of their shinobi."
    Drenen nodded. "But, who was it, then?"
    Uindo turned back to the window. "I don't know."
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Kiami on Thu Dec 06 2007, 17:44

    Wow Yurii-chan,,,

    That was amazing!!!
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Yoyo on Thu Dec 06 2007, 17:46

    Blushing
    Thanks! I'm glad you like it!! ^>^
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Kiami on Thu Dec 06 2007, 17:46

    Like it...?
    I didnt like it...

    I LOVED IT!!
    Love
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Yoyo on Thu Dec 06 2007, 17:49

    ^/////^ Thanks all the same!
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Kagamiko on Thu Dec 06 2007, 17:50

    Oh, I like the fact that the story isn't about an already existing character... Maybe you could write longer chaps? ^_- It ended too soon ^o^ when's next chap out? ^^ Woo.. OoO ... four different smileys in one post.... you're a good writer!
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Yoyo on Thu Dec 06 2007, 18:04

    I'll point out that it took up more than two pages in Microsoft in 10 font.

    I'm glad I could get you to use so many smilies! That makes me happy. ^>^
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    Spoiler:
    The first Alice was a courageous red one
    With a Sword in one hand through Wonderland
    She cut down, many things that stood in her way
    Making a path that was a trail of blood
    The alice walked deep into the woods and then she was trapped
    A prisoned sinner
    There was no way of knowing she was there
    Except the red path that followed behind her

    The second Alice was a calm, blue one
    Singing a song that filled wonderland
    The false notes which he sang till the end
    Created a crazy world in wonderland
    That Alice was born of a Flower
    Was then shot by a cross-eyed man
    Out from the wound then bloomed a flower
    Everyone that had loved him, soon began to die

    The third Alice was an innocent green one
    A beautiful figure there in wonderland
    She had fooled many people to do her bid
    A strange country was then created up
    The Alice was the queen of the country
    Possessed by a dream of distortion
    Afraid of losing her life to death
    Ruling the country of hers forever

    Walking down a red path in the forest
    Under the blue rose trees, the two had tea time
    An invitation to them from the castle was
    The playing card of hearts

    The fourth Alice was a pair of children twins
    They were curious througout the wonderland
    They traveled through the doors to see all kinds of things
    From there wandering that they had just arrived
    A stubborn big sister, and smart little brother

    They were nearing the first alice's wonderland
    The two were to never to wake from their dream
    The twins then wandered through wonderland endlessly!

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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by D-Dei on Fri Dec 07 2007, 00:58

    i hate you... -0-
    i suck at writing...


    anyways interesting ^^
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Yoyo on Fri Dec 07 2007, 01:12

    ^>^ Thanks.
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by AnnaMay on Fri Dec 07 2007, 02:34

    Very good...fast paced and informative...I couldn't find any weak spots, but it IS late...lol just kidding. Great job!!
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Yoyo on Fri Dec 07 2007, 02:38

    ^>^ Thanks, Anna-chan. Sorry about bugging you so late. I figured, Ren-kun is, so I guess I could, too. ^.~
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Renden2005 on Fri Dec 07 2007, 03:01

    i think the story could be better...but its still good...
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Yoyo on Fri Dec 07 2007, 03:05

    Any suggestions on how to make the story better?
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Renden2005 on Fri Dec 07 2007, 03:07

    i don't know...just make the Kazekage more aloof or something and it'll give him more character...it just seems like the characters aren't real people metaphorically...
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Yoyo on Fri Dec 07 2007, 03:10

    They will be. It's only chapter one and a little more character development is coming.
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Renden2005 on Fri Dec 07 2007, 03:13

    well...the thing is it grips you but the characters seem not interesting yet...you add a bit of mystery to each ones character and it will make them say..."wow, i wonder why he's like that."...in mine for example, i made th story teller blind to hook the reader to make them want to know why...
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Yoyo on Fri Dec 07 2007, 03:16

    Okay... I guess the closest to that I've come is the mention of a zillion names and yet nothing is known about most of them... Oh well, more shall come to light soon.

    Spoiler:
    Hey, start rearranging the letter in some of their names and see what you come up with. ^>^
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Renden2005 on Fri Dec 07 2007, 03:17

    if you want my opinion...you should work on extending the chapter so you can explain bit more about the main characters...
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Yoyo on Fri Dec 07 2007, 03:18

    I did ask for your opinion, didn't I? I'll work on it... *adds to massive list of things to do*
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by KarateKeyaQ on Thu Dec 13 2007, 15:24

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
    Yuri it was awesome!!
    Love Puppy Dog Eyes
    The chapters have got to be longer though. I was so into the story and when it ended so abrutly I cried...
    NO! NO! NO!

    GOOD WORK
    Oh Yeah!
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Yoyo on Thu Dec 13 2007, 15:53

    lol That makes me happy.
    Happy
    Glad you liked it so much!
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Angelic Harmony on Thu Dec 13 2007, 18:46

    I love it!
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    Re: ...:::As Dawn Approaches:::...:::Chapter One:::...

    Post by Yoyo on Fri Dec 14 2007, 20:27

    Happy
    Thanks, Charm-chan!

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